Koga Is As Stupid As A Pet Rock
by nedthejanitor
Summary: Koga. Stupid. It's obvious, isn't it? But will he ever learn to chew and blink at the same time? Only time will tell.
1. Stupid

**Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, if I did, I would've bloody finished it. Oh wait, it did get finished...**

Once upon a time in the merry killing zone of Japan, Retarded Koga the Jackass Wolf Boy was meandering aimlessly with his two almost-as-dumb minions, Ginta and Hakkakkakkaku. Whoops, I mean Hakkaku. So, yeah, they we're fucking around one day when, suddenly, a wild hare/hair jumped straight up Koga's ass, and he decided that he just HAD to eat something.

"Hay guys let's food!" Koga said, in stilted Japanese.

"But, Koga, we just ate twelve minutes ago!" Hakkaku whined like an impotent fool.

"I WANT DIN DINS! I WANT MEAT! I WANT DIN DINS!" Koga screamed, tears forming in his misplaced, uneven and empty eyes.

Ginta, who in his 20s was too old for this shit, ripped some grass out of the ground and gave it to Koga.

"NOT _THESE _DIN DINS!" Koga bitched, tossing the grass back at Ginta. Unfortunately, since Koga's strength is equal to that of a common sea sponge, the grass actually went in the _opposite _direction of where it was meant to be thrown.

Koga started crying when he remembered when he was a child. His sweet old granny always made water stew just for him. Flavored with plenty of water. Koga couldn't help but grin whenever he remembered the conversations he would have with Sweet Old Granny.

"Grandma, grandma, can I have some of that fish you're eating?" Little Koga begged.

"No, you fucking little faggot, you have water stew, eat that shit." Sweet Old Granny said, while petting him on the head with a wooden pan. Good times. He sure missed that woman.

"Koga, why won't you eat the grass?" Ginta asked. "You used to LOVE grass!"

"Me want FISHY DIN DINS!" Koga commanded, crossing his arms and scowling.

"Okay, we'll be back soon!" Hakkaku reassured, running to a lake with Ginta.

"Me wonder why they always gone so long." Koga wondered, scratching his ridiculous lice hair.

After Ginta and Hakkaku were finished with their business, they caught some fish for hungry Koga.

"Here, eat!" Hakkaku said proudly, handing him the wet fish.

Koga proceeded to take about out of the still-living fishes head.

"Delishmouses!" approved Koga, still chewing down on the other eyeball.

After Koga finished, he started crying yet again.

"Goddamnit, what is it now?" Ginta asked, frustratedly.

"Me no chew or blink at same time!" Koga wailed, crying and drooling fish blood.

"Why is that a big deal?" Hakkaku asked.

"EYES HURT WHEN EAT! WHHHHAAAAA! **WWWWHHHHHHAAAAAA! !" **Koga hollered for minutes, when finally, Ginta piped up.

"We'll go ask Inuyasha to help you!" Ginta suggested cheerfully.

"NO! Inuyasha is stupid, stinky, poopy doo doo head with big ugly face as dumb as a butt!" Koga protested, putting his nose in the air.

"That may be true, but still, we need to find out the truth! Inuyasha may know." Hakkaku said, trying to convince the halfwit wolf demon.

"Fine! But if not work, you won't food tonight!" Koga snapped, walking off to find Inuyasha. Then he stopped.

"What's that sme- oh... fuck." Ginta spat, realizing what that peculiar scent and a red-faced Koga trying to hold it in.

After giving Koga a change, they stumble across Inuyasha's group.

"What the shit do you guys want?" Inuyasha asked.

"HYE KAGOME!" Koga yelled, running over to Kagome.

"Uh, hi-"

Before Kagome could finish her greeting, Koga pulled her in for a kiss, which was quickly broken off by Inuyasha kicking Koga right in the back to the head. This made Koga run away.

"Oh my God, what was that taste?" Kagome demanded.

"Live fish. Sorry." Hakkaku said reluctantly.

While Kagome ran away to vomit, Inuyasha, still angry from the whole kissing thing, demanded to know "JUST WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS WANT!"

"We just wanted to know if you knew how to help Koga to be able to eat a blink at the same time." Ginta said.

Inuyasha's eyes brightened.

"Um, WITHOUT intense physical pain."

"No, I don't." Inuyasha said, disappointed.

Ginta and Hakkaku shrugged and went to go find Koga. When they found him, he was in the fetal position under a tree, drinking his own piss and shaking.

"It's okay, Koga." Ginta said soothingly, stroking Koga's greasy hair.

"Inuyasha couldn't help us out. What now, Koga?" Hakkaku asked.

"ME STILL WANT BLINK AND EAT!" Koga screamed, still shaking profusely.

And with that, Koga ran away again.

"GOD FUCKING DAMNIT!" Ginta screamed angrily, while he and Hakkaku chased after Koga. They found him doing the same thing, only with bear piss.

"Okay, that's nasty even for you, Koga." Hakkaku said, cringing.

"You seriously need to stop this running away thing." Ginta said.

"ME HAVE A IDEA!" Koga suddenly shouted, a look of realization on his moron face.

"What, Koga?" Ginta asked.

A few minutes later, Koga was swimming happily in a lake, giggling like an idiot, while Ginta and Hakkaku just stood by, bored and ready to jump in when Koga almost drowns. Yes, "when", because it's enevitable. Suddenly, Koga started screeching.

"WATER IN MY NOSE EISFIOEFAEF!"

Ginta and Hakkaku drag him, flailing and crying, out of the lake. Suddenly, Koga starts crying.

"I know how blink and eat at same time." Koga said quietly but happily.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	2. Imbecile

**Disclaimer: Inuyasha is well out of my range of ownership, believe me!**

READ AND REVIEW TO GET THE KEYS TO A NEW VOLKSWAGEN!

Later on that same day, Koga explained, as best he could, his idea on finding out the secret to chewing and blinking at the same time:

DAAAHHHH, GUUUUURRRRRPPP, DEEEEEEEE, BOHHHHHH.

Which translates into:

"I will visit my Sweet Old Granny and she will tell me the secret! She loves me!"

"But, Koga, she's the one that made you retarded in the first place." Hakkaku said, trying in vain to reason with Koga. "If it weren't for her, you'd be smart!"

"ME SMART!" said Koga, before crossing his arms, extending his lower lip, and making his face turn red.

"OKAY, OKAY! You're smart! Now, let's go to your Granny's house!" Ginta quickly said.

"YAY!" said... who else? Koga!

SO OFF THEY WENT! Koga started walking in some random direction, and Ginta and Hakkaku had no choice but to follow him, because they assumed he knew where he was going. Suddenly, Koga started running away for no reason. Just because, with Koga, running away is a fucking instinct.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Ginta screamed, running after Koga. Hakkaku just walked calmly toward Koga's general direction. This was an every day occurrence in their lives. Koga runs, Ginta gets pissed and runs after him. Ginta lost a bet, and that's why he's the chaser. Cruel, right? After finding Koga hiding under a rock, they started back to walking, only it was IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!

GENIUS!

"Uh, Koga, we've already been by here." Ginta said, trying desperately to hide his frustration.

"HUSH, POOFACE!" Koga demanded.

"Yeah, Pooface." Hakkaku sniggered.

After another 20 minutes of just walking in random ass directions, Ginta and Hakkaku tell Koga that they have to go to the restroom. After Ginta and Hakkaku do their thang, they discuss Koga and his retarded decision making.

"Man, Koga doesn't know where the hell he's going!" Ginta bitched.

"Yeah, I know." Hakkaku sighed. "We need to try and ask him what his grandmother's name is, I guess."

"Are you out of your mind? That'll take hours!"

"So what? It's the only damn option we have, now get up and let's do this!"

Ginta and Hakkaku go back to where Koga was supposed to be sitting. Only, now he's gone.

"HE FUCKIN RAN AWAY AGAIN! SHIT!" Ginta screeched madly, searching for Koga. After 20 minutes of Ginta running around and looking under everything, Koga just walked over to Ginta, happily chewing on an apple.

"HI!" Koga waved cheerfully in Ginta's face. Ginta began to cry and cry and cry.

After an hour, Hakkaku got Ginta calmed down, and Ginta and Hakkaku started heading toward a nearby village.

"WHERE GOING?" Koga asked.

"Uh, we're going to get some food." Hakkaku told him.

"But I fuuuuulllllll." Koga whined.

"We're starved, Koga, we can hardly walk as it is." Ginta groaned.

"ME NO CARE! I WALK THERE!" Koga pointed another direction, quite far from where Ginta and Hakkaku were going.

Ginta and Hakkaku proceed to drag Koga's wolfish ass with them to the village. They get food, because Koga decided halfway to the village that he was "SO HUNGY!"

Fucking bastard.

Anyways, it was while eating that Hakkaku decided to spring the question on him.

"Koga, listen very carefully." Hakkaku told him, slowly. "Veeeerrrry carefully. Do you know what your Sweet Old Granny's real name is?"

"YAH!"

"Can you tell us?"

"SWEET OLD GRANNY!"

Hakkaku smacked his own forehead so hard that he bruises both hjis hand and his head. Ginta just sat to the side and laughed his ass off, finally being able to let Hakkaku suffer a little bit.

"No, goddamnit, her BIRTH NAME! Do you know it?"

"SWEET OLD GRANNY! DUMMYHEAD!"

Hakkaku seethed while Ginta roared with paralyzing laughter. Hakkaku finally lost his shit and threw all his food right in Ginta's face. Ginta and Hakkaku proceeded to tear each other a new asshole (eww, I meant beat each other up, fangirls. I bet I inspired some awful fanart with just that sentence...) for about 12 minutes while Koga wailed like a dingbat because of said fight. Finally, the guy who owned the place they were eating in threw all three of their asses out.

"Well, I'm still FUCKING HUNGRY!" Ginta hollered insanely while Koga bawled more. After Hakkaku managed to get Koga to shut up by humming some Feudal tune to him, they went off in some bumfuck random direction. At this point, Ginta and Hakkaku were just following Koga around again, hoping that, maybe, by some sort of damn miracle, Koga has just an inkling of knowledge concerning his Sweet Old Granny's where abouts.

"This is ridiculous!" Ginta complained. "It's almost sunset, why are we still subjecting ourselves to this?"

"Let's just allow Koga to walk. If he can keep this up, maybe he can somehow stumble upon the right place! He may remember something!" Hakkaku said hopefully.

All of a sudden, out of complete ass fucking nowhere, a bear (did those even exist in Feudal Japan? Well, HERE THEY DID!) came out of the forest, scaring the shit out of Koga, Ginta and Hakkaku. The bear left without incident, and Hakkaku had to take another 20 minutes to get the crying Koga calmed down.

"I hate my life." Ginta moaned, while shaking his head. It was going to be another long week.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. Incompetent

**Disclaimer: Boy, I'm gon' STAB YOU! Oh, yeah, I don't own Inuyasha. But still, STAB!**

The next day, Ginta and Hakkaku were still following Koga around, searching for Sweet Old Granny's house and praying to every deity they could think of that maybe, JUST MAYBE, Koga had an inkling of an idea of where he was going.

"This is bullshit, man." Ginta muttered to Hakkaku. "We've just been fucking walking around in circles."

"Dude, I know!" Hakkaku harshly whispered, "You've said that about 10 times in the last half hour!"

"Really? I thought it was seven."

"Nope, I've been counting."

"Damnit, it's all of this walking around! It's making me delirious, Hakkaku!"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP, SHUT'N UP!" Koga ordered Ginta and Hakkaku. "Me look, you follow!"

"YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" Ginta screamed, lunging at Koga to strangle him. Hakkaku grabbed him and stopped him from wringing Koga's neck.

"Koga, give us a break." Hakkaku pleaded. "We've been walking for hours, Ginta had to chase you twice, and we haven't eaten anything all day. Just give us a few minutes of rest!"

"NO, POO!" Koga yelled right in his face, then punching him in the nose. Hakkaku snaps and picks up a rock as soon as Koga turns around. Hakkaku bashes Koga over the head while Ginta jumps on him and starts pulling on his ponytail.

"Ginta, stop, you'll wake him up!" Hakkaku said, pulling Ginta off of Koga's unconscious body.

"Well, what should we do now?" Ginta asked Hakkaku.

"Let's just walk around for a bit, Koga's going to be out for hours, as hard as I hit him with that rock."

"Great! Maybe we can find some information about Koga's grandmother if we look hard enough. Let's go now!" Ginta said, running south.

"Ginta, let's take a break first, okay? My feet are killing me." Hakkaku said wearily, sitting down under a tree. Ginta sits next to him.

After Ginta and Hakkaku are finished, they decide to go to that village that they passed by that morning, the one that Koga wouldn't let them stop and eat it because he "HAD ALREADY EATEN SOME SMELLY MEAT HE FOUND ON GROUND!" Yumtastic. When they enter the village, they begin asking the various townspeople about Koga's grandmother.

"Excuse me," Hakkaku started to ask an old lady, "do you know a Koga?"

"Oh, yes." the old lady said pleasently.

"Do you know his grandmother?" asked Ginta.

"Oh, unfortunately." the old lady said, mouth twisting into a disgusted frown. "Crazy old woman, she is. She's been gone for about five years."

"Gone? Gone where?"

"No one knows. Some say that she ate a poisonous bear and died, but her spirit still walks. All us people in the village know is that, every night, her voice screams out loud enough for even the deaf to hear!"

"What does the voice say?" Ginta and Hakkaku asked, now encompassed within the old woman's tale.

"It says, 'GET OUT OF HERE, YOU FUCKING LITTLE MUTTS, AND QUIT CHEWING ON MAH CHERRIES, YOU LITTLE SHITS!'"

"Well, she definitely sounds like the life of a party." Hakkaku said, sarcasm dripping from his chin.

"Oh, rest assured, she wasn't. Have a good day, boys!" the old woman said, waving at them.

"You too." Ginta said, both waving back as they walked away.

Ginta and Hakkaku find the nearest place to eat at and then go inside. Upon going inside, they see that a bunch of scummy looking men and very... erm... GIFTED women are in the place.

Ginta and Hakkaku just walked into the Feudal Japan equivalent of a Hooters.

"Holy TESTICLE TUESDAYS!" Ginta and Hakkaku scream out.

"Why yes, today IS Testicle Tuesday! Today's special is two pure cow testicles served on a rice pilaf!" One of the waitresses tells Hakkaku, obviously warming up to him.

"FREEZE FRAME!" Ginta yells, and all the activity in the fanfic stops, save for his and Hakkaku's.

"Okay, what the hell, Ned?" Ginta asks me, the author, impatiently.

_What do you mean, "what the hell, Ned?" _

"Hooters didn't exist back in Feudal Japan, you might unravel the whole stability of the Universe by changing something like this!"

_...Okay, so, putting a tittie resturant in Feudal Japan will destroy the universe?_

"Ummm..."

"Ginta," Hakkaku started,

"What, Hakkaku?" said a pissy Ginta.

"This is perhaps the greatest thing either of us have ever seen in our entire lives. Quit being a little wimp and let me enjoy this, okay?"

Ginta sighs. He is clearly frustrated, and has probably shit in his skirt. "Fine, Hakkaku, I'll- HEY! I did NOT shit in my skirt!"

_Ha ha ha... sorry about that. UNFREEZE FRAME!_

The Inuyasha universe picks up from where it left off. After some time, Ginta and Hakkaku exit the Feudal Hooters, with women at their sides.

"Hey, Hakkaku, how come I only have one woman and you have three?" Ginta whined.

"What can I say? Chicks dig the mohawk!" Hakkaku chuckled, while the three women touched his hair-do.

"Mohawks didn't exist in Feudal Japan, either." Ginta muttered. Suddenly, a frightened look came onto his face. "Oh, shit, Hakkaku!"

"What now?" Hakkaku asked.

"Koga, we forgot about Koga!"

"Eh, probably still knocked out."

"What if he isn't, though?"

"Okay, fine. Hey, girls, we're going to pick up our friend, do you mind?"

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. Numbnuts

**Disclaimer: Inuyasha. Not mine. Good. Great. Grand. Wonderful.**

**I. HAVE RETURNED. TO CLAIM MY TITLE. AS THE MOST RETARDED HUMAN WRITER. THIS SIDE OF TARA GILESBIE. AMEN.**

Ginta and Hakkaku walked with their women friends to the place where they left Koga, only to not see him anywhere.

"There's no sign of him. Hey, Ginta. Are you sure this is where we left Koga?" Hakkaku asked, a hint of panic lacing his voice.

"Yeah, I left a mark." Ginta said, pointing to the brick he used to knock Koga out with.

Ginta and hakkaku slowly looked at each other, as it dawned on them what has happened. "SHIT!" Ginta and Hakkaku roared, once realizing that Koga could be anywhere. Except maybe Great Britain.

"What is it? Where's your friend?" One of the girls asked.

"He's gone! Probably off looking for us! No telling how long he's been up!" Ginta screamed. "We have to find him!"

"Is he cute?" Another girl asked.

"Is he cute?" Ginta laughed. "Why, he- MMPH!"

Hakkaku clasped a hand firmly over his friend's mouth. "Uh... yeah. Sure." Hakkaku lied to the girls.

The girls chatted excitedly as Ginta and Hakkaku set out to find Koga. They searched under every nook and cranny, behind every tree, in every village they came across, they even searches under the girl's kimonos, JUST TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY DEAD SURE. They yelled his name so loudly that people in China were asking them to keep it down, their powerful manly voices made it impossible to cook rice over a fire. Okay, that's a small exaggeration (fine, BIG EXAGGERATION), but they were still pretty loud. I'm sure everybody within at least a mile or two could hear them.

The search went for an hour, stopping only to take a little break with the girls. They just talked, this isn't just another X-rated little Inu story. This isn't media miner dot org either, because I got kicked off that website for writing MSTs that are too awesome for them anyways. Finally, Ginta got extremely frustrated. He reached an extremely high level of frustration that no mailman or accountant in the world could ever hope to make it to. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold and the Virginia Tech kid COMBINED couldn't possibly HOPE to match his level of ass-boiling, egg-frying RAGE.

"Man, he's nowhere in sight." Hakkaku thought aloud, scratching his head... not THAT one. Yeah, I know you probably weren't thinking that, but I just wanted to make dead sure.

"This is all your damned fault, you know." Ginta snapped, pointing his middle finger accusingly at Hakkaku. Yes, I know the "middle finger" wasn't around in Feudal Japan, but everyone caught on after Kagome did it to Inuyasha about 40 times whenever he ran off with her clothes to try them on out of curiosity.

"My fault! Bull shit! What the hell are you talking about?" Hakkaku shouted back.

"You knocked him out with that rock! Then suggested we leave him there!"

"Hey, you would have done a whole lot worse a long time ago if I'd have let you! Don't pin all of this on me! You were the one that wanted to gather information about Koga's grandmother in the first place."

"Oh, don't be an idiot! If I'd have knocked him out, he'd still be there! And we barely spent any time getting info!"

"You know what it is?" Hakkaku said, smirking and crossing his arms. "You're just jealous because you creep girls out."

"Shut your fucking mouth!"

Ginta and Hakkaku began a fight of epic proportions. And by "epic proportions", I mean "a weak-wristed bitch slapping fight." One of the girls gets fed up and steps between them.

"Hey guys." said the girl. "Can I make a little suggestion?"

"Yeah, hon?" asked Hakkaku.

"I don't know much about your friend, but wouldn't it be wise to follow the foot prints going away from the spot where you left him if you're trying to find him?"

"What foot prints?" asked Ginta.

"Those." The girl pointed to the ground.

"...Oh."

SO ON THEY WENT. They followed the foot prints until they stopped. In their place was a huge gutter-like pathway in the ground.

"What is this shit?" Ginta wondered aloud, kneeling down and inspecting the ground.

"I don't know. Maybe Koga decided to walk head first." replied Hakkaku.

"That sounds like Koga. If that's the case, he can't have gotten far. LET'S RUN!"

AND THEY RAN. Over the smoke and through the trees, Ginta, Hakkaku and the girls ran beside the odd tracks that Koga seemed to have laid out.

"You don't think some demon kidnapped your friend, do you?" yelled one of the girls over the sounds of the footsteps.

"Nobody in Japan would be dumb enough to kidnap Koga and keep him for any more than ten minutes." Ginta remarked.

"But wasn't he unconscious?"

"You don't know anything about Koga. He's horrible even in his sleep. He snores very loudly, when he isn't saying weird things in his sleep, and he smells like cat dick. There's no way anyone anywhere would kidnap him for any reason whatsoever."

"Hey, I see him in the distance!" Hakkaku told Ginta, pointing toward a house that, indeed, Koga was standing in front of.

"KOGA!" Ginta shouted, slowing down as they got closer.

Koga turned around to look at them. Once they reached Koga, they were shocked. Koga has changed a whole lot from the last time they saw him.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	5. Duhh

**Disclaimer: Inuyasha is not mine, but I'd be willing to buy that necklace from him.**

The Koga standing in front of Ginta, Hakkaku, and their women was different from the Koga they once knew and "loved." To put it simply, he was the original Koga from the TV show. Which means a slight increase in intelligence. Slight.

"Where the hell have you two been?" Koga asked, with a genuine agitation that struck a nerve in Ginta and Hakkaku.

"Well, Koga," Ginta started. "We went to town after knocking you out and-"

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Koga hollered like he had raked a hot iron over his nipple. "I was asleep in a cave with you two, and I woke up outside! EXPLAIN!"

"Wait... oh, my God..." Hakkaku's eyes widened, and he began to rub his forehead, as if he were jerking it off. I'm just leaving this here until I come up with a better simile.

"What's going on?" One of the women asked from the background of the scene. "You did find the right guy, didn't you?"

"Go back to where you came from, right now." Koga told them rather coarsely.

"Hey, we want our money!" Another girl pouted.

"Yeah, and we aren't going back to where we came from without it."

"Money?" Hakkaku asked, still holding his head and trying to reconcile his two realities together. "What do you two mean? We paid at the restaurant."

"The wage you two gentlemen have to pay for the company." said the same girl. "What, did you think we were walking around with you two because we LIKED you?" she laughed, and the other two joined in. Before Ginta and Hakkaku could whine like two PeTA members in the meat section of a supermarket, a pack of wolves jumped out of nowhere and started immediately attacking the screaming girls.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!" Ginta cried out, jumping into Hakkaku's arms like a scared fatty in front of a whole plate full of vegetables. Unfortunately, Hakkaku "missed" and Ginta was on the floor, stuttering for mercy from the wolves and Koga like a nervous Porky Pig with Parkinson's disease.

"Why are you suddenly afraid of our wolves?" Koga asked Ginta, suppressing a laugh. "You look like you're about to piss your skirt." Ginta was unable to answer, because it has been proven that it is nearly impossible to talk, pee, and stare into the face of a hungry wolf at once.

"Ginta, relax. The wolves are under our command. They'll do whatever you tell them. Go on, give them a command." Hakkaku reasoned with his frightened cohort.

"Uhh... s-s-s-sit!" Ginta mustered up barely enough confidence and authority to sound like a pubescent middle school pseudo gangsta white kid picking a fight with his gym coach on a dare from his Sharpie fume addicted buddies. Alas, they obeyed the command.

"Alright, well, keep eating the girl." Ginta ordered again, as if the previously mentioned white gangsta found out that his gym coach had chronic arthritis and was a Buddhist. The command was eagerly obeyed, and Ginta laughed with huge relief, but Koga was most certainly not impressed.

"Those commands were dumb as shit. You're dumb as shit." Koga said frankly to Ginta. "I'm leaving you two behind before Ginta's stupidity makes me kill both of you." Koga said, walking away from the shocked duo and obviously very deep in thought.

"Hey, do you need a change before you go?" Ginta yelled out after him, in a semi-mocking and semi-fearful tone of voice.

"Get yourself together, Ginta." Koga threw back behind his shoulder. "You sicken me."

Ginta and Hakkaku stood together in shock before they began making out and giving each other a whole wheelbarrow load of-

"HEEY!"

Er, I mean, they were talking about the events that have just transpired while walking away from the house they found Koga at, but in the opposite direction from where Koga went off for a walk.

"Did Koga just order us around?" Ginta asked Hakkaku, almost in terror.

"Seems like it to me." Hakkaku said, before adding as an afterthought; "But hell if I know anything anymore."

"HEY, YOU LITTLE RAT-BASTARDS!" interupted their confused reasoning with each other. Ginta and Hakkaku looked back to see an old lady who appeared to be in great need of a violent exorcism involving that involves a bucket of fried chicken.

Being the chemists that they were, it took Ginta and Hakkaku a while to notice that she was standing in front of the same wooden house they just left. To be fair, it probably was due to the fact that they were a little busy glaring with a great discomfort at the poorly crafted wooden spoon covered in red liquid she was waving threateningly at them. Once they caught her face, they were even more shaken by the pulsating red eyes that busied themselves with the task of shooting intense looks of utter fury into the pit of their souls through the centers of their eyes. She was not a particularly friendly woman, but I made that clear enough already.

The woman beckoned them back to the house, not so much in a sexy way, but in a "you will talk to me whether I have to chase you down on foot or not, so make it easy on yourself and come on down, cause you're the next contestant on 'The Price is Goddamned Terrifying'" way, you know what I mean. Ginta and Hakkaku walked back over, feeling as if it were their destiny, and believe me, my reader friend, you'll find out soon enough that it was. Until next time...

TO BE CONTINUED...


	6. Retarded

Disclaimer: Guess what isn't mine? If you guessed "the corpse in my backyard", well... you'd be right, but it wouldn't be the answer I was looking for, which is "Inuyasha."

"Come here. Come here." The old woman rasped for no discernable reason, since Ginta and Hakkaku were already heading over there.

"Listen," Hakkaku began whispering into his partner's ear. "If I should... like, shit myself or something when we get over here and this lady slaughters us both, I want you to promise you'll clean me before you bury me if you live."

Ginta thought for a while, then responded into Hakkaku's ear in the only way he truly knew how: "What the fuck?"

Before Hakkaku could formulate a good sentence in his own mind that would sufficiently answer Ginta's comeback to the solemn favor he asked, the old woman tossed her spoon at Hakkaku's head, narrowly missing. Before Ginta and Hakkaku could even look back at the spoon in a stunned daze that comes from the idea of such a silly attack, the old bitch ran as fast as her distended legs could carry her and dived head-first directly into Hakkaku's stomach, clawing at him like a possessed animal. Hakkaku roared in agony, being unable to attack through the consistently speedy and oddly accurate slashes the woman made on his stomach and areas surrounding, including a particularly troubling one near his peewee.

Finally Ginta, who could only try in vain to kick her off or pull her away, decided in a landmark decision to call the wolves out of their current spot in following Koga through the pathway in the woods. The wolves came after Ginta screamed out a command to "come over here." The next command was an attack on the old woman, who at this point had managed to make a few permanent scars on the stomach of Hakkaku. It took a bite from each wolf for the woman to even notice that she was being attacked, and several more for her to finally feel a little bit of pain.

Eventually, she took a swipe at the remaining gang of wolves who hadn't given up on trying to grab her attention, and this gave Hakkaku the chance to push off the crazy woman. The woman landed with a comically overexaggerated PLOP on the ground and was dogpiled by wolves, wolfpiled if you will, and the culmination of this long and drawn-out struggle that followed was the poking-out of one of her eyes. Once Ginta noticed this, he finally saw it fit to call the wolves off and order them to go back to following Koga. Hakkaku picked himself up off the ground, trying to get the old lady's scent of B.O., dead babies, and cow's blood off by patting his clothes frantically as if trying to get the dust off.

That feeling... Ginta and Hakkaku still felt as if they had to stay and get information out of the battered old woman, so they waited for her to shakily get up and face them, one eye bulging out of it's socket like that asian girl near the end of Hostel.

Now Ginta and Hakkaku stood before the wrinkled old psychotic, staring at them through her one intact eye, the other eye dangling freely out of it's socket like a bag of melted and then half frozen gummi worms. She examined them from head to toe with her eye, not quite getting the opportunity before, then she grabbed Hakkaku's arm and started pulling before he even knew it.

"HEY, STOP!! LET GO!!" Hakkaku screamed out, unable to get his arm out of the grip of the old lady until Ginta helped pull him back away. After getting loose, Hakkaku, frightened and confused, scrambled behind the nearest tree while Ginta, also keeping his fair amount of distance, began talking to the old lady who was presumed to be Koga's grandmother.

"Why did you beat Koga?!" Ginta asked, knees beginning to knock together as the lady approached.

"Boy, I didn't beat nobody! Now, you best be out of my yard by the time I get back into this house." The old woman gestured with her head to her rickety little cabin with the cherry garden in the back. As this sentence came out of her mouth, Ginta noticed that the eyeball, which was swaying back and forth like a newborn baby still swinging from his mother's womb as she walked through her house doing her typical everyday things, had the unmistakeable bitemarks of a dog on it. Ginta did not catch the rest of whatever the old lady may have been telling him, if indeed she had even said anything else, because his mind started kicking back bile and, soon, Ginta was on the ground unconscious but twitching violently.

"Goddamnit, now they're really trying to screw with my head!" the old lady cursed, picking up the jittering body of Ginta and tossing it in the lake, all the while eyeballing (with the lone eye) Hakkaku's poor attempts to make himself invisible to the old lady in the form of hiding behind a tree.

"HEY!" Hakkaku finally mustered enough anger to squeak out that word while edged nervously out from the back of the tree. "Never do that."

The tension build as neither Hakkaku nor the old woman nor the now-awake Ginta made a single noise spoke, even though Ginta was getting out of the water he had been thrown in. The old woman broke the tense silence at last, by laughing hysterically. Ginta and Hakkaku watched side by side in horror as the old lady went insane with laugher, rolling around on the grass and in tears. Just when Ginta and Hakkaku became seriously worried that the old woman could hurt herself or permanently lose the ability to breathe, she suddenly stopped giggling and, in a flash, jumped up onto her feet and said nothing.

"Ma'am... we just have one question." Hakkaku said. "And that is... why is Koga changed?"

The old lady said nothing, but pointed behind Ginta and Hakkaku.

When Ginta and Hakkaku turned around, they gasped, for there layed a large structure similar to a cave.

One that hadn't been there before.

Ginta and Hakkaku felt a feeling a child feels immediately after the worst nightmare.

An indescribable, gripping, yet unfounded fear from the pit of their gut to their head.

That cave held all the culminations of that feeling in human, not perhaps inhuman, form, and it also meant that, inevitably, Ginta and Hakkaku absolutely had to go in there to find the answer to the question they couldn't even remember anymore.

So they shit their pants and cried like children.

TO BE CONTINUED


	7. Idiotic

Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha, but I'd like to own Sesshomaru, just because I want to put him in a cage and torture him by dangling the cage over a herd of fangirls with a crane. Just so I can see how long it would take for him to lose composure.

In the cave, the man in the chair knew that there were two... "visitors" about to arrive from a short distance away.

"They found me..." The man got up and went over to his monitor, which showed Ginta and Hakkaku, shit cleaned out of their skirts and tears mostly gone from their eyes, struggling through the maze-like cave in search of the main room where they were told the answer would be found. The man had already spread rocks over the floor of the whole cave and shards of glass in the later floors to make an intruder's break-in as thoroughly difficult as humanly possible.

"But that doesn't mean they have to see me in person." The man got back in his chair and pressed a button under the screen of his monitor eloquently labeled "Fuck You #1", then sat back and laughed.

()()()

Ginta and Hakkaku walked through the cold, almost-totally-dark cave, whining about all the rocks in their feet.

"OWWW!! Son of hell, I think I have one growing in my tendon!" Ginta yelled, the echo in the cave making his yell even louder, as he grabbed his foot in pain.

"I think we should take a break, my foot's been bleeding since the first right turn we took." Hakkaku said, sitting down on a place he managed to dig that had not as many rocks as the rest of the floor.

"Oh, cool!" Ginta sat down next to Hakkaku and rubbed his weakened foot. "We should have took that old woman's slippers, we could have taken turns with them, or-"

"What we really should have done is got Koga." Hakkaku said, trying to tear off a piece of skirt to put on his bleeding foot wound. "It seems like he's changed a lot, he might have been really useful."

"That retard?" Ginta spat resentfully. "He's barefoot, too. Besides, he would have just been a burden."

"No, he isn't retarded anymore." Hakkaku finished wrapping his wound with the tiny shred of his skirt he managed to rip off. "And this will sound crazy, but the thought is beginning to creep into my mind that... well, that he never was."

Ginta laughed, believing that Hakkaku was just joking.

"Yeah, I guess it is a little-" Before Hakkaku could end his comment, a sudden jolting noise from just around the corner caused Ginta and Hakkaku to leap into defensive positions. "Who's there?!" Ginta commanded, slowly creeping over to look around the corner. With his body behind the wall, Ginta peeked his head around the corner.

"Who the hell are you two?!" Ginta shouted at the two identical twin girls in identical soldiers' outfits, the only thing setting them apart is that one had blonde hair and the other's hair was albino fucking white. Hakkaku went around the corner and joined Ginta in the act of staring at their outfits.

"Answer me!! Who are you?!" Ginta shouted louder, putting extra emphasis on each word.

"Yeah, and what the hell are you two wearing?" Hakkaku asked, somewhat stunned by the strange-looking (to them) outfits they wore that included red armbands with strange symbols that looked like bent crosses and, also extremely odd, pictures of Koga's head tattooed on their foreheads and right hands. Most of all, however, Hakkaku was just taken totally aback by their general hideousness. They were almost like creatures, with their volcano-like mountains of pimples, some at such drastic levels of age that they had actually popped by themselves, causing their faces to be coated in a fine yellow paste that looked like melted butter which emmitted a disturbingly foul smell.

They were both spherical, and if one listened closely enough to their labored breathing caused by the simple act of standing up, one could hear their inner child (they have to share one, since one died of fat-induced suffocation) crying loudly and begging to die. The most horrific thing about these... "girls", if you could concievably call them that, was that they each had a massive amount of liquid coating their pelvis region. At the first sight of it dripping, Hakkaku had to hold back his last meal as it tried in terror to escape.

"What... what are you?!" Hakkaku finally choked out, dry heaving in the middle of his sentence.

Finally, one of the two girls speaks up, albeit in a voice that makes one visualize a 90-year-old smoker with severe and inconsistent lung failure.

"My name is Kathy," The girl rasped. "But master calls me 'take-me-away-to-paradise.'"

"I am known as Blessed-Relief." The other girl choked out.

"We, together, are the FF Nazis, and we are here to kill you." They said in unison, in monotonal, fractured voices that, together, make you visualize death rather than a smoker. Ginta and Hakkaku started to respond, but their mouths glued shut in a pulverizing shock as they saw a strange white goo seep from their now-gaping mouths and drip to the floor. After a while, puddles of this odd semen began to form, and from those puddles, smaller versions of themselves materialized out of the goo.

These tiny clones immediately attacked Ginta and Hakkaku, getting a free hit or two as Ginta and Hakkaku were too sickened and ready to run to even comprehend just what in God's name was happening. Ginta and Hakkaku quickly regained their bearings and kicked the two little clones right in the throat, snapping both of their necks relatively quickly.

"Is that all you two've got?!" Ginta laughed, trying to mask his still somewhat-visible shocked expression.

"Kicking?" Blessed Relief asked mockingly, but still with a raspy monotone. "How unoriginal. You need to be more creative in the ways you combat. I could barely stand to watch your pathetic skill in the holy and perfect art of battle."

"Got any suggestions? Constructive criticism?" Hakkaku asked, eager to hear their opinions, because he truly cares about his fighting ability.

"No." Take-me-away said condescendingly. "Why should we have any? You attacked our children."

Ginta and Hakkaku quickly went from stunned and frightened to amused and laid-back. "Okay, well, if you aren't going to do anything but stand there and offer us free punching bags, we're just going to be on our way." Ginta said, walking to the side of them with Hakkaku, both of whom were chuckling at the two monsters' expense. The monsters promptly melted into huge puddles of odorous abortion juice as Ginta and Hakkaku left them behind.

()()()

"Curses." The mysterious shroud in the main room belted out half-heartedly. "Oh well... let's all just see... if they can handle THIS!!"

The man pressed another red button right next to the first one labeled "Fuck You #2" and began to, yet again, laugh hysterically.

TO BE CONTINUED...

By the way, no offense to the two sweet, sweet reviewers mentioned in this chapter. It's all fun and games. HAHAHAHAHAAAAA!


	8. Hurpdedooo

Disclaimer: In YOUR yasha, you fuckwaste. This show I am writing about is not mine, was never mine, and probably won't be mine. Unless I duel them for it.

______

"So what the shit makes you think that Koga was never retarded?" Ginta sneered as he and his cohort stepped gingerly through the dark and rocky-floored cave without any kind of coverings on their feet.

"I don't know." Hakkaku said back to him. "It's just something that came to me."

"Hakkaku, thoughts of midgets with winged penises also come to me every now and then, but I don't go looking around for short people flying crotch-first, now do I?"

"No, but then again- wait, what the fuck?"

"Oh, come on, everyone thinks of weird shit sometimes. Why, my mom and dad-"

"No, look behind us, Ginta!"

Ginta turns around to meet the gaze of a face with only eyes in what appears to be a big light-box to two people in feudal times. We, of course, would know it as the Idiot Box.

"What the hell are you?!" Hakkaku stammered out as he tried to alleviate his focus from the sheer craziness of this plot twist.

"Ginta. Hakkaku." The faceless being began, though he did not have a mouth. Use your imagination as to how he speaks. (Hint: out of his ass) "You have entered the last few steps to your doom."

"Are you the guy who sent out those ugly bitches?!" Ginta demanded of the faceless stranger.

"Yep."

"Well, holy fucking hell, never do that again!"

"Ginta, you'd rather kiss those bitches than see what I- eww, not on my screen, you shit!" The faceless man groaned.

Hakkaku looks down with pity as his weak-stomached partner (life partner ((they're gay (((I didn't know if you could tell from the other chapters, except for the one with the strippers ((((oh fuck i wrote myself into a hole just now. ignore it)))))))))) who has turned the monitor with the Faceless man's… face… into a solid barf target at the thought of even touching the abortion children of the last chapter.

"Alright, I can tell that I struck a nerve with that one." The faceless man said, at last breaking the post-puke silence.

"You're amused by sending out those creepy girls aren't you?" Hakkaku asked.

"How could you tell? Did my invisible grin give it away?"

"Well-"

"Shut it, Hakkaku, I'll ask the questions now." Ginta interrupted in a rude, Joey-esque manner.

"...Okay. Have it your way."

Hakkaku sits down in a huff on the rocky floor, turning his ass into a cross between frozen mayonnaise and frozen swiss cheese.

His ass is cold.

"In about five minutes, I am going to release pain the likes of which can be rivaled by not even one million puke-girls." The faceless man promised them, pinky extended Dr. Evil style toward his invisible lip.

"You'll do no such thing!" Ginta screamed, kicking the monitor and promptly breaking glass all over his foot.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

()()()

"CURSES!" The faceless man screamed from his room at the end of the cave. "I hadn't counted them actually destroying the monitor upon being threatened with terrible pain! I should have prepared!"

The man pounds his knuckles hard against the floor, his head against the wall (but he did it to himself).

"Just assume that it's not worth getting back up... so I'll blame it on bad luck." He says as he slowly gets up. "...and I'll SHAKE RESPONSIBILITY!!"

"What are you babbling on about?" A voice inquired from the other side of the room.

The faceless man turns around to see Hakkaku making a lone stand in the exposed entry-way to his cave-hideout.

"What the fuck?!" The faceless man shrieked.

"Exactly what I am wondering."

"Where's your bonehead friend?" The faceless man asked Hakkaku as he stood in the most intimidating pose he could muster. "The one who destroyed my monitor."

"What is a monitor? The glass box thingy?"

"Yes, no shit. What else could I fucking be referring to? Do you see anything else in this cave outside of this room that he could destroy?"

"He's recovering from his bleeding foot. He and I came in this cave in the belief that our questions about Koga would be answered. We took one look at this cave and knew that we would find the answers. There was a certain pull, a feeling that we both got that-"

"Oh, really?" The faceless man said sarcastically. "Did the fact that there was a sign outside of the cave that said 'ANSWERS ABOUT KOGA IN HERE' and had a big neon arrow give it away?"

"...Never mind that now. I want answers."

"Okay, ask some questions." The faceless man said, sitting on a couch that Hakkaku didn't notice him materialize out of thin air not but a few seconds ago.

"Uhh..." Much like how the faceless man never planned for the monitor being destroyed, Hakkaku had never planned on actually having questions prepared to obtain answers.

"Damn, thinking things through is a bitch isn't it?" Ginta said, limping in the room (not to mention leaving a small trail of tiny rocks behind him that are falling out of his asscheeks) and joining the faceless man on the couch.

"Did I say that you could shit cave rocks on my leather cushions?!" The faceless man demanded of Ginta.

"Nope."

"Oh, okay. I was just wondering, because I didn't remember."

"HEY!" Hakkaku screamed at the faceless man. "I have a question for you."

"Okay. Shoot."

"Has Koga always been retarded?"

"No. That was a piece of reality that I distorted for the purpose of the story."

"WHAT?! So the Koga we thought we knew is really completely different?!" Ginta asked in shock, a few shards of glass falling out of his sandpaper-rough feudal tongue (you know you want it).

"Yeah."

"Oh, okay." Ginta said before scooting over and letting Hakkaku sit on the couch as well.

"So what is the real Koga like?" Hakkaku followed his question up.

"Three letters: A-S-S." The faceless man held up three fingers for effect. Two of them were middle fingers, one of them was his left thumb.

The two wolf partners glanced at each other. Then they simultaneously said "makes sense."

"Okay, why have you been bending reality?" Ginta asked in the same tone you'd use to ask your cat why he shit an inch outside of the litter box.

"Shit, just boredom I guess. I prefer this over watching you two do nothing on TV." The faceless man said. "OH SHIT, that reminds me! I have to keep being evil if I want to end this fucking thing!"

"What?!" Ginta and Hakkaku both said, having only paid attention halfway through the faceless man's giveaway sentence.

"Nothing. Nothing at all. Say, you two guys hungry for some of that food stuff people talk so much about these days?"

"Kind of." Ginta said while looking at an ass-rock he left behind (hehe) and drooling at the thought of digesting it and turning it into a GENUINE ass-rock. An ass-rock of shit.

"Well, there's food in that wooden door over there." The faceless man points over to the wooden door to the left of the entrance to the secret room.

Ginta gets up and limps over to the wooden door, opening it to reveal A FEM-BOT FROM AUSTIN POWERS!!

"Mother of god. I have a boner of fear." Hakkaku said, staring in awe at the machine-hoe. (OH SHIT WAIT THEY'RE GAY I JUST SAID THAT A FEW PARAGRAPHS AGO. UHHH... IT DIDNT HAPPEN I GUESS. SOMETHING DIDNT)

"You won't be laughing for long, niggas! HAHAHA!!" The faceless man evil-laughed while shitting a brick of cheese just to make up for how cheesy his evil laugh was. "Now my fem-bot, give them your tittie bullets NOW!!"

The fembot almost manages her attack, but the wolf brothers find the best way possible to counter-attack her gun-nips; their penises.

"WHAT?!" The faceless man roared. "How are you able to jam your penises into such a tight space?!"

"DEMON MAGIC!" The wolf-demons yell at the same time as the fem-bot's tittie guns back up and cause her to explode. The two wolves survive the blast, but the faceless man is laying dead on the floor by the time the smoke clears. The wolves ignore his death.

"Damn, Ginta! Look at this!" Hakkaku pointed to the enormous computer that they had missed until just now.

"It's another glass box." Ginta said. "I don't care. Let's go."

"Brokencyde?" Hakkaku asked no one in particular while reading out the name under the button "Fuck You #3".

"What the hell is that? Like suicide?" Ginta pondered.

"Let's find out." Hakkaku pressed the button.

LKJLSKDCSKLFKL LFN KECNL :KLEKFCRAWNLKNLAWKECNLAWHGJKRFHV was the instantaneous reaction of the duo as the worst goddamn thing ever put to digital audio loudly filled up the cave. There was no escape, no matter how hard the two begged to die. Even destroying the monitor did nothing. Finally, the two each grabbed a shard of the monitor's glass and committed seppuku. As they bled on the cold floor, the faceless man got up. He dusted himself off and peered down at the bodies emptying their blood in a large puddle.

Then he looks at you, the reader.

Then he flips you off.

THE END


End file.
